Finally, someone said what I’ve been thinking, and wouldn’t you know, it’s Jon Stewart.
Stewart took to the airwaves this week to address the collective freak-out emanating from the right since the election, from petitions for secession to the dickish moves from CEOs who have threatened their employees with reduced hours – or worse, termination – over Obamacare.
Let’s start with the secessionists. Currently, there are several petitions floating around the White House petition site begging for states to be allowed to secede from the union over the election. Currently, the petition for Texas leads the pack (shocker!) with over 100,000 signatures:
“I’m not sure exactly which twenty states those are, or which people in those twenty states, but I think I can best express how I feel about these states and people in the words of the great William Wonka:
“Stop. Don’t. Come back.”
“At least now, I’m beginning to understand why the southern states were so hesitant to get rid of the confederate flag. It’s like keeping your fat pants after you lose some weight. You’re happy for now with the new you, but you’re pretty sure you’re gonna need those fat pants again.”
He then laid into the CEOs who have decided to punish their employees for the election, like Robert Murray of Murray Energy, who recently laid off over a hundred people, an action preceded by a heartfelt religious hissy-fit prayer:
“A greedy, black-hearted man, who owns a coal mine…well, now I’ve seen everything.”
He then flipped to “restaurant” CEOs like Zane Tankel of Applebee’s and John Schnatter of Papa John’s Pizza, both of whom peddle “edible products” that redefine gross and disgusting food you should not eat, and who have said they will reduce employee hours in order to avoid having to pay for insurance for their employees:
“Not only should you be providing your employees healthcare, you should be personally apologizing to our nation’s physicians.”
WATCH Part One (story continues below):
In part two, Stewart details what’s really behind this push, in no uncertain terms. It’s an important angle on our contry’s so-called “job creators” that people need to understand. He addressed them directly, going so far as to demand their attention at Camera Three. And you know that when Jon calls you to Camera Three, he’s got some serious shit to say:
“Own your layoffs and your policies. Let’s stop pretending that, suddenly, with this election, bosses have been transformed into reluctant assholes. Obamacare is just the latest excuse to wriggle out of the social contract. For many years now, full time benefits like sick days, maternity leave, pensions, lunch hours, chairs, have disappeared by magically transforming full time workers into independent contractors or part time, twenty-year temp help.
“So let’s cut the ‘I’d love to be able to give employees healthcare – I just can’t.’ Let’s face the facts; pizza and coal companies are just unlucky enough to have a labor force that can’t be outsourced. You happen to be in one of the few industries that still has to hire Americans.
“Not that you guys don’t have a legitimate gripe against this president. If Obama had fought for single-payer healthcare for business owners like you, you would never have to pay for another premium in your lives.
“So maybe next time, take all the millions you donated for partisan political purposes and pump it back into the type of healthcare advances that may ultimately increase business productivity.”
Couldn’t have said it better myself.
WATCH Part Two: