The Republican Party is floundering but luckily for them, I am here to right their course. And I want them to find their way, I truly do. Because only in a free marketplace of GOOD ideas can the best ideas flourish. And when one party consistently offers terrible ideas, only mediocrity can prevail.
Our two party system demands more. Social and legislative Darwinism demands more. Logic demands more. So Republicans, please hear me and please heed me. I am here to help so help me help you.
We have a lot to cover so let’s get started.
This is the best place to start. You have already begun singing a different tune on this subject, as you should. You lost the Latin vote by staggering margins in the last election, a voting bloc that is playing an increasingly larger role in each passing election, especially in several swing states.
So you should swallow whatever the Democrats feed you on the sweeping bill that Congress will be erecting in the coming months. This will prove to the world, even if you don’t necessarily believe it, that both parties are in favor of reform and that now is the time to accomplish it. I know you guys hate those darn immigrants but hell, even Mitt Romney let’s them cut his lawn and clean his house so they can’t be all bad, right?
Increasing border protection will be a central aspect of any legislation so your right-wing hardliners will get their daily dose of hawkish militarism but it will be served with a path to citizenship that all who work in, live in and pledge allegiance to this country deserve. I mean, there’s even talk of aerial drones policing the borders! What Republican can’t get pumped about that!
So now’s the time kids, grant our Mexican friends the American Dream that you always preach about and that you wake up to every morning. It’ll go a long way toward showing Latino voters that you are serious about understanding their needs and winning their votes. And you can use all the credibility you can get with them because, and I think you know this, right now you have NONE.
Because, and let’s be honest here, White Power just ain’t what it used to be, is it? I know this is a drag but we have no choice but to accept it.
Instead of trying to manipulate voting results with roadblocks like mandatory photo IDs and attempts to divvy up Electoral votes in battlegrounds like Ohio and Michigan, as Republican state legislatures are presently attempting to do, try broadening your voting base instead. It’s better to create than to destroy. It’s better to expand than to cut. I learned that from Michael J. Fox in The Secret of My Success, so it has to be true.
It’s fucking real. Accept it. Seriously. If Obama proposes legislation in his second term, as we hope he will, don’t refute it on principal. I expect you to put up roadblocks and prevent him from obtaining any legislative victories because, well, you relish that. But you need to stop pretending that global warming is not a problem. It is painting your Party as, at best, ignorant to the extent of the problem, and at worst, indifferent to the strong storms and rampant devastation that it has brought and will continue to bring.
This falls into the same category as climate change. Let it go guys. You have to stop denying science. Science is your friend, not your enemy. It tells you why the sky is blue, it tells you what medicines can help you when you’re sick and it tells you that the goddamn fucking world was not created in six days with a seventh day siesta.
The longer you insist on denying science and the natural expansion of global consciousness, the tougher your road to electoral victory will be. I’m talking to you Marco Rubio! You can hang on to your faith in God while also maintaining that the Road to Victory is paved with knowledge, not home-schooled fairy tales. And while we’re at it, humans cannot live in the tummy of a whale for three days, snakes don’t talk and offer you fruit – they bite you. And Jesus did not ride on a dinosaur.
It was a big hit in the nineties but it has fallen out of style, going the way of bell-bottoms and parachute pants. Obama’s second inaugural, urging that “our gay brothers and sisters are treated like anyone else under the law” was an indicator of things to come and a marker on the road on which this issue will lead. Oppressing black people and women are no longer acceptable in this country. They are granted the same rights as all of us white heteros and you need to come to terms with the fact that those darn homos are entitled to the same.
It will be difficult for most of you to stomach so to assist in the process, stare at the photograph below for thirty minutes each day without blinking.
Taxes and Spending:
Gracefully raising the debt ceiling without a fight this time around was a big step for you guys. I know you only took it because allowing the country to default on its debts and catalyzing another recession would further tarnish the already stained Republican brand, but I’ll still give you points for exercising common sense, which is usually not your strong suit.
But don’t stop there. The Tea Party had its time in the sun, but it is now time to publicly relegate them to what they are and always have been: a minority faction of extremists who put ideology over accomplishment and would rather ride their high horses off a fiscal cliff than actually govern. You gave them a louder voice then they ever deserved and now it is time to hit the mute button and tack back to center.
Leave it alone for God’s sake. Paul Ryan, you’re new mantra is “Vouchers are bad and they may have cost us Florida in 2012.” Repeat it. Record it and make a Rage Against the Machine workout mega-mix that you can listen to while you run your nine-minute marathons. This program is sacred and tampering with it is sacrilege.
You have to stop picking on them! They are already getting their asses kicked by life; they do not need one of the nation’s two political parties calling them names every day. They are a large voting bloc so labeling them as takers, moochers, lazy or whatever other epithets you guys toss around behind closed doors or in front of open microphones will NOT GET YOU THEIR VOTES.
Vowing to abolish food stamps and Medicaid will NOT GET YOU THEIR VOTES. Choosing corporate automatons as the face of your party WILL NOT GET YOU THEIR VOTES. So no more Mitt Romney’s children. I mean it!
Well there it is. That is all the advice I have to give. I doubt you will cede it but I wanted to offer it. Why? Because despite all evidence to the contrary, I still believe in the two party system of governing. Because compromise and meeting in the middle is a good thing. And we have large problems that require two-party solutions.
Our country has a long-term problem with the unsustainability of Medicare and Social Security and we cannot solve it unless both parties come to the table with serious proposals.
Our debt is too high and we cannot reduce it with spending cuts OR tax cuts alone. We need BOTH and we need to do both responsibly.
Immigration reform, climate change legislation, gay rights. These are all human issues that affect us regardless of party affiliation and we need bilateral initiatives to address them. If we do this, the next four years could be historic and unprecedented. And if you Republicans can view it as a momentous era for America and not a triumphant second term for a president you dislike, you can proudly play a role in it.